By NJ

This is a cross-post with MotherWoman. My apologies.

After Malone was born, I experienced the baby blues. I spent a few hours each day for about a week crying through my hormones privately on my bed while someone else tended to my baby. I wasn't sure what exactly I was crying about, I just knew that I needed to cry. So I did. And then I felt better about things and my "new" normal began.

My new normal included nursing a baby every few hours, taking whatever sleep I could get, socializing with other mamas and their babies, and savoring growing into motherhood.

I started attending a Motherwoman group when Malone was about six weeks old because I needed a space where I could speak my truths about how challenging growing into motherhood was for me, not because I needed support in navigating postpartum anxiety or depression. I didn't expect to find my niche there, but I did. Bonus.

But this post isn't about that.

More on that another day, promise.

During almost everyday these past few weeks, I have experienced a mix of emotions that I never felt before. I have gone from extreme highs to extreme lows. Days that are spectacular and excellent and days where the smallest things upset me.

I am irrational at times- like this morning when I was crying my eyes out in the lap of my husband because Malone was going down for a nap.

Then it occurred to me.

This is postpartum depression.

I am experiencing postpartum depression.

Through the tears, I said it out loud to my husband.

More tears came.

I fought the tears back as I said it again to a group of mom friends this afternoon at a play date.

I have postpartum depression.

I need help.

I need a least a piece of my old me back. The piece that had days that were steady and strong. I don't want the extremes.

I am scared and nervous because I'm not sure the best way to seek help and treat this.

I'm currently riding a wave of anxiety as I try to figure out my next move.

Thoughts that are swirling...

Will a diet and exercise change help?
Is that enough?
Who do I talk to professionally about this?
Do I call my OB?
Do I call my doctor?
Do I need a therapist?
Will any of them understand?
Do I need medication?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions.

I get plenty of socialization and have tons of people I happily confide in so I'm pretty sure this isn't something I can just talk out.

I am going to reach out to some women I know who have experienced PPD and ask them to help me navigate through this.

So there.

I said it out loud again.

About NJ

Before I had my son in June 2009, I was the world's best parent. As a third generation child care provider and a former nanny, I had an opinion on every topic from sleep to play date etiquette. But, then my son was born and I realized that I didn't "really" know much if anything. In my son's earliest days basic self care tasks like flossing and changing my clothes were on my to do list- what a reality shock!

These days I am working from home part time and the primary care provider for my son. I am a mama who is ever changing and trying to do the best I can for my son and family. I crave balance but often struggle to find enough hours in the day to get it all done

In the times I can sneak away from my family and steal a few moments for myself I enjoy reading, sipping on a yummy coffee drink, attempting to learn how to crochet and writing/blogging.

Visit my blog at Diary of a Real Mom. There you will find my real life stories, musings, and thoughts.